The Recipe: Oreo Cinnamon Rolls

Introduction

I didn’t set out to do a vegan recipe this month, but I always go for a simple recipe and I found one that happened to be vegan (a lot of the other cinnamon roll recipes seemed more complicated).

Additionally, it was a good excuse to try more vegan-based products like butter and cream cheese. However, note that some people don’t consider Oreos to be vegan because there’s cross-contact in the process. Also, I don’t know if that flour is vegan but it’s what I had in the pantry. So if you’re not vegan, just sub non-vegan items (if you must). I got to play with yeast for the first time, which was really cool. Also, this recipe is zero-waste because I didn’t use any plastic…except for the food packaging lol.

Also, welcome to my first recipe post! I know I normally tack these on to other posts, but I decided it’d be fun to photograph the process and do this as a separate post.

One of my favorite smells is cinnamon rolls. And Oreos are alright, but this combo seemed irresistible!

The good stuff

This recipe will take 1.5 hours. But it’s mostly waiting, so no lloras. #whyyoucry
Pro-tip: put on some music and sing to your heart’s content.

Step 1: Gather your ingredients.

  • 1 packet (2.25 tsp) instant yeast
  • 1 cup (240 ml) almond milk
  • 0.5 cup (112 g) vegan butter
  • 0.25 tsp salt
  • 3 cups (408 g) flour
  • 1.5 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 0.25 cup + 1 Tbsp (63 g) cane sugar
  • some canola oil, like a smidge or a couple drops

For the frosting:

  • 4 Tbsp vegan butter, softened
  • 2 cups powdered sugar
  • 4 oz vegan cream cheese, softened
  • 0.25 tsp vanilla extract
1

Ingredients, minus the oil, sugar’s in the blue lidded container. Pro-tip: eat Oreos while you cook.

Step 2: Heat almond milk and 3 Tbsp butter in a saucepan.

Don’t boil it but heat it up to warm. I know, so vague right? I was also confused with the original recipe, but basically just melt the butter into the milk and put your finger in it and if you can stand it for a few seconds, it’s good. Make sure it’s not too hot or the poor yeast will die.

Step 3: Add mixture to large mixing bowl and add in yeast.

Activate for 10 minutes, aka wait and let the yeast do work.
Then add 1 Tbsp sugar and all (0.25 tsp) salt.
Then mix in all (3 cups) flour, but 0.5 cups at a time, stirring in between. It’ll be really gross and sticky, but deal with it. Knead on a lightly floured surface, or as my mom says, how the white people do it.
Rinse out your bowl, coat it with some canola oil, then but your ball-like thing back in there.
Cover with a tea towel for 1 hour. I don’t know what a tea towel is, but I just used a kitchen towel, which I assume is the same thing. This part is really cool because MAGIC.

2

I don’t know how to knead and I don’t know what “lightly” floured is, but here’s a picture. It’s kinda ugly and not smooth, but only because I got worried I was overmixing, which was advised against.

Step 4: Make the frosting.

At this point, waiting around for 1 hour seemed ridiculous.

Mix all (4 oz) cream cheese and all (4 Tbsp) butter. Basically mash it up until it’s consistent. I think mine was a little lumpy because it wasn’t completely softened.
Add in all (0.25 tsp) vanilla extract. At this point in my life, I don’t know what 0.25 tsp liquid looks like, so I just pour and hope it doesn’t tip too much.
Stir some more and add in all (2 cups) powdered sugar, but only 0.5 cups at a time. I finally used all my powdered sugar, but you could probably add more.

Smash like 6 Oreos and then fold them into the cum frosting mixture. I don’t know what the fuck “fold” means, but when I mixed it in, it got really dark and the picture from the recipe I used liked like a McFlurry.

Set aside and hope it’s not gross.

4

Okay, well it’s not as white as I thought it’d be. It’s more of a semen color and consistency, the latter of which is what you want (aka #thiccaf).

5

Like when she finally lets you try anal but it’s very spontaneous and she didn’t clean up all the way.

Step 3.5: Look at how cool the dough ball turned, then feel free to poke it so it deflates.

3

Thank your yeast friends for their assistance.

Step 5: Dump the ball on a “lightly floured surface” (???) and roll it out, b.

6

This is my favorite part because you get to coat the rolling pin with flour and make sure to use both hands and rub up and down. This sub-step is optional, but why wouldn’t you, winky face.
Roll it out into a rectangle, OR AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN BECAUSE I KNOW YOU TRIED but it’s never a nice rectangle like the pictures you see online. Mine was like 12×8.

Step 5 also: Brush with butter and sugar and cinnamon.

Or, like me, if you don’t have a brush, spoon all (3 Tbsp) melted butter on and rub it in with your hands.
Then, pour the rest (0.25 cup) of the sugar and then the cinnamon, which really, I didn’t measure, I just poured it all over.
Roll it up nicely, or if you’re me, make a mess of everything and be really bad at rolling.
Then cut them with a serrated knife into small pieces that are ideally even and nice and neat and pretty.
Put them into a nice bake-able container, though I didn’t have anything so I just used this pie thing.
Butter the fuck out of everything: butter the thing you’re baking in, then melt some more butter and coat the buns.

7

They’re like cute in an ugly way and they’re all different and special in their own ways.

Step 6: Bake in the oven at 350F for 30 minutes.

They tell you to preheat the oven, but that seems like a waste of energy. Just look to see if they look golden brown on the outside and you’re good.
Let it cool if you’re patient enough.

8

Every time I bake, the dough always explodes into unexpected shapes. Look at these mutant rolls. PUBERTY HITS HARD.

Step 7: Pick the nicest one, dip it in the frosting, take a nice Instagram picture, then enjoy the fuck out of it.

9

Proper plating and lighting is key. Look at that drip though. So thick and hot and juicy, right babe? Crumble some extra Oreo on top because you’re out here doing the most.

Conclusion

Overall, really good and really sweet. The inside wasn’t as perfect as I need it to be for a cinnamon roll, but god-zamn, that frosting was perfect and indulgent. The way they pulled apart from one another was perfect. The Oreo provided a nice mix of textures. The roll itself is kind of plain, but the frosting evened it out. Good thing I didn’t over-sugar the rolls.

I made 10 and ate 1. So…snacks until I get sick of them, yay!

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~ by Btab on 2 April 2017.

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