The Log #15

Sunday 11/29/15

Woke up pretty early for a Sunday! I didn’t feel tired at all. I jumped in the shower right away, which I wanted to do last night, but I was too tired.

I feel like there’s a weight that’s been lifted. I think Persie is going to be happy now. Sometimes, I feel like I’m running from the problem. I didn’t want to take care of her, sure, but looking at the bigger picture, this was best for the future. I can focus on other things now. I’m not stressed out about her because I think my sister will be able to give her the care and attention and love she needs. The house got a little more lonely now.

After showering, I cleaned my room, because it’s therapeutic. Sat around for a while before looking at my schedule for the week. Did some laundry and thought about my life. I was looking up stuff for fun and fell asleep. Guess I was tired after all. I went back through my blog to see goals I’ve set for myself and see what I’d like to work on over the course of this year.

Not sure if I want to have a birthday celebration this year. I do feel a lot better though. That 2K mile trip really allowed me to decompress. It was like a much needed substitute for a silent meditation retreat. I think I have a renewed appreciation of life. I’ve come to terms with a lot of things. And you know what I realized? I have been dealing with it positively throughout the year. Doing new things, finding new interests, fostering my passions. Learning to change my mindset- stop comparing myself, letting go of expectations from others and myself, accepting failures. Reflecting and bettering myself.

I think I’m still worried about this disconnect between having this vague ideal vision of my future in my mind and being realistic about it. And it’s vague because I don’t even know what an ideal future would be for me. I need to learn to let go of the worry of what’s to come because I’m clearly fixating on it.

I may be ready to emerge from my cocoon.

This is not to say everything is better, but that I have a clearer outlook. There are still things I have to deal with, but I feel better equipped, in the right state of mind.

This is a reminder to myself to be present and mindful of the moment. Don’t let those uncontrollable variables bog you down. Enjoy what you can enjoy while you still can enjoy it.

This was an important, and rather timely, turning point. A lot of it did stem from Persie problems because there were so many ways to go, I was unsure what was in store for her future. I was so worried about it all, I neglected everything else. But since it was taken care of, I’ve been able to focus on other things. Worrying about myself is fine and for the most part, manageable. But worrying about someone else is taxing, so much so that I had to get away from everything.

That’s how I was in this situation and I realize that’s how I am.

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~ by Btab on 15 December 2015.

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