The Cone of Shame

The list of things that have gotten me through this weekend: Ellie Goulding’s new album, Dr. Ken, Master of None, Adventure Time, and my friends.

It’s been like a slow burn of shit-piling for the past couple weeks. Between already being stressed about my future and my mom subsequently yelling at me all the stuff that’s been bottling up about my future…it’s been rough. And I had to stay silent because I know if I opened my mouth, then I would say things I’d regret. Even if she thought I wasn’t listening, I did take some things to heart. Other things, I understand, are things that she doesn’t understand about my situation, and it boils down to the way she was raised, the culture, and the past. It’s just how it is.

I don’t exactly know why, but work has been pretty stressful lately. I think I’ve just been working a lot, and maybe that compiled with me feeling slightly sick after Halloween weekend, and DST…it takes a toll. Normally, I can deal with these things, but when I thought the week was over and I’d be able to go home and relax this weekend, I find my dog bleeding and possibly attacked by some animal.

It’s honestly one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever experienced; I thought I was having a nightmare.

Usually when I’m down, I like to be by myself, listen to music or watch TV or movies, maybe read. I like to think about the situation and write about it, clear my head. I may have a good cry. I did all of these things. And I also realized what I needed was to be surrounded by my friends- another source of cheering up. Even if you’re not talking about the problem, even if it’s just the presence of other people being happy, it really helps.

I realize that I really don’t like talking about my problems out loud with other people. Even my closest friends may not feel like I trust them, but it’s just the way I am. It’s not that I don’t trust people, it just makes me strangely uncomfortable.

I’ve definitely had trouble sticking with the Gain Train this weekend, as I’ve spent most of my time in my bed, next to my dog, making sure everything’s okay. It’s difficult watching her so helpless, so I cannot imagine being in her situation.

I can’t even meditate because I know my mind is so preoccupied, let alone try and focus on what I need to be focused on.

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~ by Btab on 8 November 2015.

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