The Crossroads of Destiny

At times, it can be hard to see the positive things in life when you have opened your eyes to the atrocities and injustices that plague our Earth. It creates an utter sense of futility and hopelessness within you. And when it starts to spiral, it affects you deeply, paralyzes your mind and your body. When you try to explain your feelings, others don’t seem to understand. They brush you off like you’re just acting crazy. And maybe you are (all this talk about mindfulness, zen, conscientiousness…philosophizing about life and the bigger picture and the death of the planet…it can be off-putting). Sometimes, ignorance is bliss- it can be simpler to turn a blind eye to things. But at times, you realize you just have to take things as they come. You cannot control everything or everyone, but instead, you must accept this as a part of life. And when you stop to smell the roses, you can still enjoy the finer things in life. At least, that’s what you strive for.

As you know, I’ve been practicing living more in the moment and taking better advantage of my time. But sometimes, anxiety can be so crippling, it’s difficult to move forward. It’s like I take two steps forward and one step back. I’m having trouble choosing between “doing all these things that make me happy, living in the present, and trying tons of new things” and “thinking about my future”. Recently, I’ve had this fantasy where I just move away, disappear to another country, and live an idyllic lifestyle that seems more suited to my personality. But right now, it seems too farfetched.

Again, this all goes back to balance. In my Personal Actualization Triangle, I’ve thrust a lot of this year’s focus on the Self, that I’ve seemingly neglected the Relationship and Success categories. Yes, this is an oversimplification. Yet, it helps to visualize and verbalize these in order to get a better sense of what I need to be doing. I’m definitely not as good at multitasking as I used to be (or as I thought I used to be). Of course, that only leaves room for improvement.

It’s time I ask myself: who am I? And what do I want?

Your principles mean more to you than any money or success.

Sigh, so true, fortune from fortune cookie I found in the cabinet. So relevant…

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~ by Btab on 3 May 2015.

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