The Fall Introspection

Hey, I’ve actually had some time to be reflective. And I’ve been feeling rather introspective as of late. It’s just another factor I always forget to consider, always laying on the cusp of introversion and extroversion. At times, I feel like I could go forever, no need for rest, just go hard all the time. And then I forget that I need to recharge, be alone for a while. So I have to take the time to do so.

I’ve started watching a bunch of new shows, oops. Some of them have been pretty good, and others have been not so good. And it sucks because sometimes I’ll watch it for the actors and you just know the show is going to get canceled, or it got really bad ratings, or it just plain sucks. And I’ve had to drop some shows off my list because it was getting too long. Sometimes, I wonder why I have commitment issues when I get so attached to shows that I don’t really really really enjoy but because I’ve watched for so long, I feel the need to continue. But then again, once I delete it off my list, the desire to watch suddenly disappears. Out of sight, out of mind? I guess I just answered my own thought.

I’m way excited for October. I just realized how much I enjoy this month and its festivities and the overall feel of the season. What I don’t care for is all the scary shit, but it’s manageable. I am ready for the Halloween spirit! No classes this semester and Halloween on a Friday? I’m ready to live it up. I think my Vegas withdrawals are dissipating, so I can get all excited about the end of the month now.

Oh, quick fitness update! I’ve gone up a couple of pounds (it’s always been hard for me to get past the 155 lb. mark), but I’ve started averaging 157-158 lately, so that’s nice. Although I feel chubby now. But also, I hit milestones in bench press, deadlifts, and squats in the past couple of weeks and it feels great! Just a few months ago, I wouldn’t dare try lifting these weights, so it’s weird. Of course, as qualifier, it’s not a lot. Compared to others, it’s very little. But compared to my past self, it’s quite a milestone I’m proud of. All in relativity. Numbers really don’t mean much, I guess- it’s how I feel about myself, how I perceive how I look and feel. It’s mentality that I’m working on and I feel good.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and the fluid definition of the term. At least, how I see it now, it’s changed in my mind- perhaps for the better. Not really sure how to put these thoughts into words at the moment, but it’s something I’ve been reflecting on deeply as of late. I feel like I’m losing some friends and I feel like I need to try harder and give more of an effort, but sometimes, I don’t have the energy. ‘Why aren’t they making an effort?’ And then I feel selfish. If I want to hang out with my friend, it should be simple. But sometimes, it’s not. It’s easier to stew, and then I just feel like a petty high schooler again- a facet of my old self I would rather not revisit. I’m an adult and in many ways, I feel like I’ve matured a lot past what I was like back in the day. But there are times when I become passive aggressive and being aware of these moments really upsets me. Stuff I need to work on, apparently.

Speaking of working on, I think it’s time to set some monthly goals…or maybe goals of the season.

  • Spend more time with friends. I’ve always had trouble with initiation and anxiety and self-worth. It was of course one of this year’s resolutions, and although I have become better at it, I still have a ways to go.
  • Be okay with spending money and don’t be such a stickler for budgeting. While I do believe it’s important to balance one’s checkbook, so to speak, I also think that I personally need to decrease my fixation on the idea. I’m working enough to have some cushion and so I should stop hesitation and go ahead and spend money on things I want to enjoy. Of course, I have to admire my sister for being able to excel at this. I strive to live in the moment and make large purchases because it would make me happy.
  • Leave time to think about my future. Naturally.
  • Plan out my next tattoo!

It’s interesting looking back at my resolutions posts or my more reflective posts or my really existential crisis posts. And then looking at timestamps and not being able to grasp how long ago it seemed, yet I’m still kind of dealing with the same problems. This tells me two things. Problems come and go and generally, are pretty average over a lifetime. Also, maybe things aren’t so different as I think they are.


~ by Btab on 5 October 2014.

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