The Sense of Adventure

November has been weird. The weather has been weird. The time has been weird. Everything is weird. I do love that everything is getting festive. Once October ends, the winter holidays just seem to blend and it gets cold and you start hearing Christmas music and noticing the beauty and cheer of the world and people in it. Makes me happy.

I always forget how nice the rain can be. Not driving in it or being caught in it, but admiring its power from inside. I always say I’m a waterbender, though I don’t swim all that well, I don’t like the beach, and I don’t like the rain. But I appreciate and respect the majesty and fortitude the water element holds. Once it starts raining again, I get used to it and begin to enjoy it. As long as it’s not 24/7, which it never seems to be down here in SoCal.

Last month, I didn’t spend a lot of money, so this month, I’m going crazy. Well, I already did, starting shopping early. A lot of good deals already out, so I splurged a bit here and there. I don’t think I’ll actually go Black Friday shopping this year, I’ll be working that day, so it kind of sucks. But it’s okay. I’m really excited to get my packages. I think I’ve mastered the art of patience and self-control when it comes to things I want. And in the end, I only bought a movie (The Fall, one of my favorites, so I had to buy it), a couple Funko figures, and some clothes. I finally bought myself a onesie because it’s freezing around here…took a long time to decide which I wanted to get. The American/British ones were too costly, so I opted for a Japanese one. I’ll model it for y’all later hehe. I won’t be splurging on the PS4 for a while. I think most of my income is going to food/groceries and hangouts, which is just fine by me.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough time on the weekends to hang out with people, but I now appreciate the freedom of weekends because it’s when I (and most people now) are free to hang out without time restraints and work and stuff like that. I look forward to weekends now, though weeks tend to pass by so quickly and weekends just disappear like that. I’m also more appreciative of the time I have with people, and thankfully I have money now, so I don’t need to reject people and hangouts (yay!). Lately though, I find my mind wandering and starting to worry more and more. When I’m with friends, sure I’d like to enjoy the present. That’s how it used to be. Lately, I’ve noticed that my anxiety starts kicking in and I begin to think about all the productive things I should be doing at that moment. It’s scary.

Less than a month until my birthday! The holidays approach! I always feel the need to compulsively buy more things during the holiday season and tell myself it’s a birthday present to myself. Here’s a wishlist of things I want to get myself before 2014.

  1. Amazon Wish List
  2. Gym pass?!

I’ve been watching a lot of movies. Like literally sitting there, turning on a movie, and doing other things like homework or drawing. I think I started mid-October, actually, so a solid month of this, oops. I haven’t been doing much else, took a break from studying for the GRE, took a break from life. It got really crazy after my Microbio test only because I had even more time since I wasn’t studying like crazy. I watched way too many movies, the list compiled from actors that I admire. I still have my “classic movies to watch” list, which I’ll get to later, though I don’t want to sit around watching a bunch of movies. But I finished my list on Sunday. Some were good, a lot were not exactly the greatest or most enjoyable movies. I learned a lot about six degrees of separation and it’s fun to see actors acting together in different roles or obscure actors in two movies, etc.

"I would rather be a good man than a great king."

“I would rather be a good man than a great king.”

I also finished my Thor drawing on Sunday. It took a little over a week and I took a little bit more creative liberties than before. I think I subconsciously feel like a hack because I can only draw well if it’s from a picture or something. So I add something different to try and make it feel different. It was really fun to do. After I went to the Hollywood premiere and after I saw the movie in theaters, I knew I had to do a drawing. And then I wanted to add watercolors, because the end credits to the movie had pretty awesome artistic paint effects. Of course, I have no idea how to properly do watercolors and the paper I used was not made for watercolors, so if you just ignore the detail (or, like me, just say that’s it’s due to artistic interpretation and that’s why it looks so amateur and unblended), it looks pretty cool. I might do a triptych with Captain America and Iron Man, but we’ll see. It’s probably one of my favorite drawings I’ve done, I had a lot of fun working on the intricacies of the armor, always finding new little details (that I couldn’t really express properly on this type of drawing). The cape was a mess of amateur brushstrokes, but it was fun to use watercolor as a medium, which I never did after using it in my high school art class.

Of note: I went to the Thor premiere this month, ditching class before my test, and thankfully, no regrets! I told myself freshman year of college never to sacrifice fun because I have to study for a test. I finally had the chance to do just that. I did spend Halloween studying, but that was actually pretty fun since it was with amigos.

Anyway, now I’m probably gonna go back to spending my day studying and going back to routine. It’s been kind of difficult because it’s the holiday season and all I can think about is family and food and fun. My future is still kind of hazy and anytime I try to think about it, I start hyperventilating and feel like I’m about to vomit. It really scares me, but I’m accumulating different options, different things that I could do. I still definitely want to go to grad school and stuff, but really, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. The year’s almost over and I feel stuck. I need some inspiration, some hope for my future, but it hasn’t come yet. It feels like a fatal blow to my resolution to take charge of my life and keep pushing forward and stuff like that. Overall, the year has been quite life-changing for me, but I feel like I’m in a hole and haven’t been able to find a way out yet. As such, it’s slowly making me lose my morale. I hate the feeling.

When I was at work last week, I was starving and someone had Chinese food and it smelled really good and they gave me their fortune cookie. Woo! Sometimes, I think, what if the person it was originally intended for opened it? And the fortune was different! That would be cool and interesting and improbable. I did lose it, but the fortune said something like:

“You are admired for your sense of adventure”

Of course, not really a fortune, but I do strive to be more adventurous, not boring, never bored. I can be a bit on the safe side in a lot of situations, but I’ve been trying to go the other way, throw myself into less comfortable or new situations for me. It’s been fun, even though the payoff isn’t always the same.

Of note, I’ve been staying off social media, especially notable is Tumblr, which I’ve been off of for a few months now. I stopped posting, but still occasionally sign in and like a few things. It’s crazy what logging off can do- I don’t feel the need to click on the little bookmark all the time. And I have my phone, so I just go on when I look at my phone. Now, I feel like time I spend on my laptop is more productive. BUT I kind of want to start posting again. Maybe come December, I shall be back on. I find it easy to quit social media when I feel I need to and the need does happen occasionally.

Currently reading: Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
Currently watching: Steven Universe (new), Legend of Korra (just ended Book 2)
Currently listening to: Kelly Clarkson’s Wrapped in Red, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire soundtrack

~ by Btab on 23 November 2013.

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