The Fat

My god, dahling. Pull...yourself...together! Never look back, it distracts from the now.

Monday was a momentous day for me, but I was too busy to blog.

So here it is.

The 21st of November marked the 9 grueling months of me going strong in my weight gaining “experiment”. And, by god, I look like I’m pregnant. I really have been eating for two. Oh, and the jokes go on.

I also decided it would be a perfect time to stop gaining weight and start losing it!

Yay!

It was back in the beginning of this year that I started to want to gain more weight because I was looking emaciated. I started to try and eat more bread and peanut butter, but it wasn’t really working. So I decided to really dedicate myself into this weight gaining stuff. I started to count calories in a food diary and make sure I was weighing in at the right weight every week.

I was going for a lifestyle change. I didn’t want to just eat random foods, I was trying to eat healthier too. I think I initially wanted to gain weight and work out and all that good stuff, but life got in the way and I started to just become focused on eating. Which is good and all, but I think I kind of got away from my goal. It sort of became an experiment on how heavy I could actually balloon to.

On February 21st, I officially made note in my food diary of what I ate. I started at around 130 lbs and my goal was to get to around 160 lbs. In theory, it was only supposed to take 7.5 months because you’re supposed to gain 1 lb/week. But again, it’s not the easiest thing to do to just eat all the time. I started going for 3000 calories/day, but that was near-impossible to achieve, so I’d just go for around 2500.

I started buying a lot of nuts and trail mix and bars and dried fruits. I stopped eating potato chips and drinking too much soda, though I believe fruit juice is still pretty unhealthy. I would go shop at Costco regularly for myself and just stock up on snacks. Eating too much leads to food disappearing more quickly and money being spent too frequently. I tried not to eat out too much, but sometimes, it’s such a great and cheap alternative to gain quick calories. But they were evil calories…

It was hard to find time to cook healthy food and buy the right organic foods because of money. Since I live at home, I’m also under the mercy of my parents’ cooking, delicious but probably not too healthy. Nonetheless, early on, I would eat wheat bread sandwiches with cheese and meat and the goods. Wow, reminiscing on this makes it feel like so long ago.

I was gaining weight quickly in the beginning. Sometimes, I would have days or weeks where I would lose massive amounts of weight. I think Spring Quarter was just a bad time to start this “lifestyle change” in general just because I was pledging APO and I wasn’t at home to cook for myself too often. Sometimes, I would starve myself to save money (like during Showcase practices). Summer wasn’t too easy for me either, as laziness and stress got the better of me and I lost weight. Some weeks (since I only weighed in once a week), I would have major swings and lose a bunch of pounds. Now I don’t know how it was throughout the week because I only weighed myself once a week (but sometimes I’d forget), but I can’t imagine that the net gain or loss was too different than each days’ weights.

Some days, all I could think about was food. I would revolve my activities around my food. 6 meals a day. I would just stay in and eat. I would eat anything that crossed my path. I always had to go to the bathroom. I always felt full. I was always hungry for more, but never had the feeling of an empty stomach and it never growled. On the other hand, I had to eat almost every hour to stay alive. My stomach was stretched beyond imagining. It will take some time to make it shrink a little more. I would have to ration out my food if I stayed on campus for long hours. I was on a budget, so it was necessary to pack all meals and dole them out at the right times.

No sharing food with anyone. My snacks consisted of serving sizes of everything. I would measure it out the night before and place them in Ziploc baggies. I would have to eat it all and then record the calories. Besides the snacks, I would rarely know exactly how many calories my main meals consisted of. I always rounded to 500. Juices provided extra calories needed for each meal, so I rarely went with water unless I was on campus. I would frequently wake up early to make myself a hardy breakfast. Croissant, wheat bread, egg (EVOO was packed with extra calories), cheese, anything I could get my greasy fingers on. And then I would generally eat the same snacks every day. Trail mix bar (surprisingly, I never got sick of these), trail mix, chocolate covered almonds (also tried peanuts and raisins, but not my thing), dried mangoes (also tried dried mix fruits, but definitely too many clashing flavors), maybe some fruit snack candies, raisins, etc. It never deviated too much from the general health foods.

I would be lucky if I could bring leftovers for lunch. Just something microwaveable would be perfect. I would also be lucky if I got to go home in the middle of the day for a snack meal before dinner. This would usually consist of either ramen, ravioli, or some sort of frozen chicken I could put in the microwaveable oven (this is my favorite electronic ever besides my laptop and PS3). Then dinner was always prepared. And then there’s the after dinner late night snack. I was lucky if I could fit everything into one day. And then I’d have to try and repeat it the next day.

But I started settling at around 150 lbs and couldn’t gain any more weight for the longest time. But for Fall quarter, I got things a little more back on track. I got back to packing my snacks and working towards the last few pounds. I’ve officially rounded off at around 158 lbs, give or take depending on the day. And hey, that’s rounded close enough to 160 lbs. SO I’VE MET MY GOAL!

Granted, I would have liked to hit 160 lbs just to really consider myself overweight (according to the BMI calculator) for once in my life. But hey, I can’t get picky as I already look obese.

In these final 10-ish pounds, I really started to believe being fat was overrated. I remember back in the days of early 2011, I would think to myself…wow, it would be so great to be fat. I hate that people judge me because I’m so skinny. I would love to be on the other side of the spectrum and just be fat. But OMG.

My clothes stopped fitting me. My family and friends started noticing my weight gain. It was not pretty. I couldn’t breathe some days. I hadn’t worn my jeans since winter 2010, so when I put them on again in this fall 2011 colder weather, I was in for a nasty surprise. It hit me really quickly. I started to get really self-conscious and depressed about my weight. I felt everyone was really watching me and looking at my rolls. I’d always try to stand up straight so people didn’t see my fat flopping everywhere. Lord knows I couldn’t sit too much. I poked fun at myself to remain positive and remind myself that it’s all self-inflicted and reversible. But damn, did I feel ugly. It’s a scary thought because I truly FEEL (VERY CURRENTLY)  like I am fat. I really understood what overweight people feel like or what anorexic people feel like. I’m not trying to say I have a disease or that those diseases are not serious and life-threatening, but I’m just making a comparison to my psychological outbursts. I would find myself thinking about my weight too much. It’s such a strange feeling to be on this side of the spectrum.

Luckily, this all fuels me to want to actually work out. I have something to lose now. Over the next months (and  hopefully the rest of my life because after all, I’m always down for lifestyle changes), my endeavors will be towards losing my fat and gaining my health. It will be tough. I will give in every now and then. But it will be a fun experiment on myself and my limits.

I learned so much. First, the obvious fact that I cannot be fat. It’s too hard on my emotions and belts. Kelly Clarkson can barely pull it off (my love wanes every time I see her) and Christina Aguilera can definitely not pull it off (can you just go back to being Dirrty?), so I give up (those are AMA references by the way). I’ve learned that it is actually all a numbers game about gaining or losing weight. Just add or delete calories from meals. So simple. Second, it’s so important to be healthy, but at the same time, I can give into a craving every now and then and I won’t die. I think it helps me when I can just pig out on fast food and then quickly go back to my structured nuts and fruits daily intake. Third, I learned a lot about cooking. Mainly using my microwave oven (again, my lover), I learned to do a lot of food experiments just to put a bunch of calories together and see how they turned out. It was so fun (especially potato skins)!

I don’t know what else to say. It was a surreal experience, and it is still continuing and evolving as I write this. I think I covered everything in glorious detail for my memoirs. This makes such a great time capsule post, though I probably didn’t convey properly the gravity of my OCD and how food just consumed me for the past 9 months.

I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving celebrations tomorrow. Don’t stuff your faces! Remember: everything in moderation! Except sex, laughter, and music.

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~ by Btab on 23 November 2011.

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