The Day Off

I hate when I’m trying to get a lot of homework done today (on my day off) so I can have the rest of the weekend to study for my midterm, but in trying to anti-procrastinate, I find that my foolish teachers can’t bring themselves to put up homework ahead of time. So aggro.

But I guess this opens up a new opportunity to blog today. I’ve actually been thinking about doing a new post for a while because I feel I have some bottled up stuff that I just want to type out. Utada guide me (I’ve actually finally got around to getting her first 2 albums and I’m on my way to collecting all her songs, though I can’t find some singles anywhere (but she officially has the highest number of songs (across 11 albums) on my iTunes, which definitely reflects my opinion of her as my #1 musical orgasm giver (and I only bring all this up now because it was her birthday yesterday and I feel very nostalgic and am listening to her music)))…

I guess I shall first update y’all with the life, since it seems quite unavoidable. I have a new obsession with Kristen Stewart, I’m still excited for The Dark Knight Rises, the Golden Globes were awesome and I wish I had the time back then to post my favorite pictures/moments but now the moment has passed (but still, Bale wins, Jim Parson and Kaley Cuoco preciousness, and Angelina Jolie looks hot (phew)), Jersey Shore is amazing (though I’m dreading all my shows coming back within the next week or so, and that means I will have less time to do other stuff), Boiling Crab was so delicious, I feel like getting addicted to games again…and perhaps we’re all caught up? Lately, I’ve just been dragging myself through school (even though midterms aren’t happening until next week where I will completely block life out)…I try to make times for movies when they come online, I would like to make time for “friends” but that’s unrealistic it seems. In my hour breaks between classes or after homework, I usually get to my individual hobbies (seeing as how expensive ones and group ones seem unattainable currently) like learning French, Japanese, Australian, and about Buddhism.

The languages are going well, though my knowledge of Spanish keeps confusing my abilities (retro-active shit, or what?). But when I read about Buddhism, I find that a lot of my actions veer so far away from the idealistic teachings of Buddha. I wouldn’t call myself religious at all, but if I were, I would want to be Buddhist (and Athiest/Agnostic or whatever). On one hand, I would never define myself with one religion, so not being “fully” Buddhist can sit well with me. On the other hand, I feel like if I want to strive to be this better man, then I need to really rethink my life in terms of Buddhism– excluding the meditating stuff.

You know, reflecting like this makes time pass by so quickly. I usually like to reflect in the shower, but then I don’t want to spend too much time in there. So I usually lay in my bed and have a trillion thoughts racing through my mind and it’s where it can get very ugly very fast. The truth becomes clear. But anyway, I try to plan my life out accordingly, but I have to think about it in terms of school sometimes. And then tests come along and I just find myself studying for them all weekend. And soon enough, the quarter is over and damn. That was fast. Thinking in terms of the quarter system or 10-week system, it becomes unfathomable at times how fast time is moving. And I feel like I’m losing so much of it!

Sometimes, I feel like I should stop spending time on hobbies and focus on my future. But then I would like to expand my hobbies, always…like maybe cooking every now and then. It’s just hard to find a balance. So I mapped out via flowchart my plan all the way up until I get into graduate school, which will hopefully not change all too much. There’s a lot of killing a couple birds with one stone, so I hope it all can fit together and I can be “happy”. Realistically, things will change down the road and all things won’t go according to plan, so I definitely have to adjust. That’s obvious…but I’m happy that I have a tangible plan finally!

So I’ve been thinking lately. Now that school has started up, I am once again alone. It’s like my “friends” just think out of sight, out of mind, and I’m sure that’s why all these emo thoughts just flood my mind. I wish I didn’t care so much, or maybe that they cared more. But I’m sure I just have bad communication skills and so nothing happens. I can feel it so much– the slow decay of friendship until I just don’t talk to people anymore. It has already happened to those that I guess weren’t as close friends as I thought they were…but now, it’s like a second wave. I desire to develop true relationships with people, but I still kind of feel childish and surface-value. Thus, I have fallen into the pitfall conclusion that I need to grow older. But then it all cycles. When I’m older, time is running out. I’ll be so busy trying to focus on my career that I will just push people away, or not even have time to make friends. And it all just hits me and I go into a tizzy of sweats and heartache.

Ah, this has turned into one of those “I have no idea if anything made sense as I was just typing and typing” and a “this turned into a long post” and “I’m emo” types of posts. I shall stop. Cheerio!

~ by Btab on 20 January 2011.

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