The Jumble of Thoughts

The "Ooh, looks like I'm studying on my bed today...last time I did this, I fell asleep" face.

Lately, with the exception of that gratuitous essay I wrote last Thursday, I haven’t had much time to really write here. I’ve been feeling rushed for a while and I almost made blogging like something I just needed to get done quickly so I can get to work. But that shouldn’t be the point of a blog. So, I’ve made some time for myself today to just blog. And I have music in my ear, so all is well…

I actually started studying yesterday for one of my Monday midterms, which is a first for me. I planned to spend yesterday, today, and Friday studying for one and then the weekends, for the other. I think it’s a good plan, but I never know what to expect with the first set of midterms. Studying doesn’t seem so hard to transition into these days because I’ve just been working and taking small breaks, so it’s easier to just get straight into studying.

Yesterday, I’ve also found that I finished studying what I wanted to early, so that left some time for drawing. Although I only drew for an hour, I did finish what I wanted to do, which was just sketch the shells of the people and stuff. This one seems so much harder than my past drawings because it’s slightly freehand and I can’t just copy what is on the picture. I am also under time-restraint and am more anxious to finish to get back to work or sleep because there’s always “more productive” things to be doing. Eh, I think I need a long break from all this.

I will be home next weekend. And my family, surprisingly, wants a new puppy. This one will be “mine”, I guess because my parents have one, my sister has one, so I need one for myself for when my sister leaves and I’ll be at home for the next few years, right? I don’t know, every time I get my own pet, it ends up…not working out particularly well. But then again, dogs are pretty robust. Otherwise, it would be awesome to get a puppy and raise it from there.

Having a dog would be cool. But I’ve gotten into that phase again where I really want a baby for some reason. It would just be so cool to hold a baby when you’re sleeping and have someone to talk to and you know they will love you. Especially with my abnormally amazing genes and all, I can’t wait to see what my babies look like! And then the baby will just be with you a lot when you have nothing else to do but just sit there with the baby. And you can poke the baby. Well, actually, I can just replace “baby” with “dog” or “girlfriend” even. LOL

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my friends. Again. I don’t know if it’s healthy or normal to lose contacts with friends for weeks at a time. Except, I do talk to some on Facebook, but does that really count? I feel nostalgic of old times where it was so easy just to see people and where I said things like, “OMG I haven’t seen you for 2 days, where have you been?!” or silly stuff like that. Now, it’s like, “Woah, what’s new with you? Tell me everything!” because there’s that limited window of time that you can hang out with this person and you want to know what’s going on with them, and there’s no time for things just to continue normally like how they were. That doesn’t make sense though, and I just realized I talk in the second person a lot, which is annoying. At the same time, a lot of people are so consumed with work and stuff, it just seems normal for people not to see each other for days at a time. And by people, I mean adults and the like. So, I don’t exactly know why I’m stressing out so much about this. It must be that I’m (1) lonely and (2) still used to seeing my friends so often. Maybe it is healthy, after all, that I see people every now and then…and for the rest of the time in between, focus on myself. Does that sound selfish?

Another thing that’s been on my mind is this surprisingly clairvoyant (is that the right adjective? It sounds right) quotation from, naturally, Olivia Munn that I saw on Twitter. “I don’t take anything for granted, and I work my ass off. I try to do everything from the heart, to not be an asshole or a hater or fall into any of that high school stuff that still exists. I try to be myself and that’s enough. If I can manage to keep doing that, then really I’ve won no matter what happens.” It’s something I want to live by and hope that I can because it just gets to me. As I’m trying to change and continue find myself in college, everything she says is just so fitting. I just sat back and thought that it’s so true- all that high school crap attitude is so annoying. Just because people around me are still like that, it’s no excuse for me to act like that. I just hope I don’t get influenced anymore.

Speaking of Twitter, I’ve started following a lot more people, which I used to not follow just because I wanted to keep my follow list to a minimum…which is stupid, and counter-intuitive to the point of Twitter in the first place. Well, it’s been quite rewarding, after all. I mean, my page updates every minute with people making new tweets. It’s great and all, but I’ve also become more distracted by it, just reading everything that comes up. It’s a gift and a curse…

Oh, recently, I just deleted a bunch of stuff off of my list of stuff that I want to buy. It felt cleansing, but I know, eventually, there will be more stuff to add and more money lost. Which reminds me. Pokemon White and Black are coming out this fall in Japan, which means it should be here around early next year for America. How crazy is that! It’s pretty crazy 3D stuff, and if it’s on the DS, I guess I’ll have to buy it! I mean, that will definitely be the last Pokemon game I ever get…woah, that sounds crazy to say. But I don’t plan on upgrading my Nintendo handheld for a really long while. I think I should just focus on PS3 games, if I even buy anymore for a long while for that either. But it’s felt great not spending money uselessly. For once, I’m happy with what I have right now in this moment in time. That’s subject to a lot of change.

You know what else is subject to major changes? This bitch weather. Today alone, it’s changed so much. I’m pretty sure it’s going to rain later tonight just to add to the craziness. And I’ve been having this craving to sit at the beach in mild temperatures and just sleep there or read or talk to people. Just the thought of it feels so great, but it may not happen any time soon. I don’t even like the beach, but I think I just need to spend an allotted amount of time outside of my room. Or this chair even. But at least it’s Wednesday, that surprised me. This means I get to catch up on TV tomorrow!

Time does pass by quickly for some reason. I mean, I’m half way through the school quarter and I’ll be gone from this place and be living at home next year. It kind of scares me to think how fast time has gone and how little I have done holistically (because yes, I know, above-great things have happened to me this year). But in terms of school, in terms of my social life…it just seems like nothing has changed for the better. Actually, that sounds dramatic and whiny. But I’m probably comparing myself to a lot of other people. Well, it just makes me wonder if I’m wasting my time. I mean, a quarter of my undergraduate life is over. On this path I’m going, I just don’t see a bright future. But that’s me being more dramatic and pessimistic. I just want to look back and be happy about what I’ve done.

And I finished reading Happier. I don’t know, it made me more depressed about how happy he was and how I was doing none of the things he mentioned to lead to happiness. Especially in terms of career- I still don’t know what I want to do. And there’s conflict with salary and passion. All of his signs point to passion, but it’s not like I can just avoid the salary aspect my whole life. Not only that, but am I making the right decisions in college right now that will get me to where I want to be with my academic and social life? I doubt it. I guess I’m just not happy, by the book’s definition.

Anyway, all of this is nothing new, but maybe it will incite minimal change within myself to just be a better person. There’s so much stuff I want, and I can only hope I get it- but I know it’s a multi-lane freeway and that there can be other cars in my way…I just need to know where I’m going and find the right path to get there, not necessarily the shortest. Yeah, I just used this weird-ass metaphor. I hope I covered everything I wanted to talk about. Thanks for reading!

~ by Btab on 21 April 2010.

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